


[a journey into the subconscious]

by orphan_account



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-28
Updated: 2012-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-06 04:58:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/414941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>hyukjae's not eunhyuk, and hyukjae's not perfect, but donghae is, and maybe that might be enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	[a journey into the subconscious]

author - solarumnyx (willowwispe)  
fandom - super junior  
pairing - eunhyuk/donghae  
rating - pg13 for harsh language  
running word count - 2742 words

note - if the lack of capitalization bothers you, then don't read. simple as that. c: my first suju fic, and first submission on this website. 

#

hyukjae knows donghae is attractive. he knows that the crowds go crazy for him, and hundreds, maybe even thousands of people would line up in order to just get a closer look at him. he knows that donghae can be cute one second, and seductive the next. he knows that donghae could sing and dance and model and look fucking innocent and adorable while running on an hour of sleep. hyukjae knows this and accepts it, because why wouldn't he? that wasn't his problem - donghae was never the problem.

the problem was that they were eunhae. always eunhae.

donghae could make girls faint just from looking at them, because his eyes were fucking pools of mocha depths filled with rainbows and smoulders and god knew what else - but hyukjae was just hyukjae. he wasn't special or hot or sexy. hyukjae was hyukjae.

so he created eunhyuk, and from that came eunhae. his own stage persona for himself, a facade so that people wouldn't see him as he was. the thing was, it was always donghae. eunhyuk and donghae did this, eunhyuk and donghae did that, eunhae was real, donghae looked sexy last night during his performance, donghae's voice was like a fucking angel descended from the heavens, donghae, donghae. it wasn't that he was jealous. it was just that nobody saw him. he was donghae's shadow, just attached to him, running blindly into the afternoon sun where he inevitably disappeared, leaving no trace behind him. a vanishing wisp, a trick of the eyes. he was eunhyuk, he was silver, and people melted him down and took all the raw material out of him and reshaped him into something he wasn't. donghae was the sea, beautiful and unchanging and mysterious, and hyukjae was bitter. not bitter towards donghae - never donghae - but towards himself. so he pushed himself a little harder, slept a little less, tried a little more - and nothing. nothing fucking happened because the only way people recognized him was if he was with donghae. so hyukjae finally complied. he let them strip him of whatever wild, raw mess he was, let them burn him and bend him and break him until he was eunhyuk. the dance machine, the rapper, donghae's friend-lover-husband-bestie and everything else that came with it.

but in the end, he's only silver, and donghae's gold, and so he's just second best.

he was the moon and silver and donghae was the sun and the sea and donghae was blinding and brilliant and gave life to everyone he met but eunhyuk was the moon, his light just a reflection of donghae's, dull and cold.

but then they started the fanservice.

they learn to keep everything teasing, realistic but not real. the fans eat it up, and hyukjae wonders how it's come to this. he doesn't mind doing it, that's not the problem. (donghae was never the problem.) but why were they doing this? was it that their singing, dancing, rapping (and hyukjae considers this and thinks and he can feel his self-confidence ebbing away) wasn't good enough? that they were so horrible that they had to resort to this just to keep the fans' attention? hyukjae knows that he's never as good as donghae, voice not as smooth, face not as handsome, but it feels like sm doesn't even care anymore. he's just donghae's fanservice partner, just the rapper who can dance okay, the one who's funnily ugly in a way that makes people love him.

hyukjae turns this over in his mind and he comes to conclusions that he doesn't like, and so he files them away in the farthest corner of his mind where nothing can touch it, next to the heartbreaks and failures and trauma of all the years gone by. he locks it far, far away, and as he's returning from that dark place in his heart, he thinks he sees a glimpse of donghae's smile, the one reserved only for him. and maybe, his thoughts stops a little in his head because it didn't matter as long as the fans loved them and that made donghae happy and as long as donghae was happy, he was happy. hyukjae doesn't let these thoughts take hold of his brain for even more than a second though, and he doesn't even know he thinks them. but they were there. and for some strange reason, hyukjae doesn't remember why he objected to it in the first place, because they're hugging and kneeling and practically stripping each other onstage, and fans are screaming and the other members are watching them tiredly but all hyukjae can see is donghae's smile and suddenly it's okay that he's just donghae's shadow. because donghae was perfect, and being a shadow of perfection was so much more than he deserved.

because even though in real life, hyukjae can't come anywhere close to the energy and love that donghae gives off, eunhyuk can, and then eunhae takes on a whole new meaning. fine, he thinks, if you want eunhae then here it is. he starts to enjoy the fanservice, because the fans love it, and then he remembers why he had wanted to be an idol. owning the world was the highest of highs, and hyukjae had always been an adrenaline junkie. somewhere, he thinks that might not be the only reason he likes the fanservice.

it's then that some far off part of hyukjae's subconscious thinks that everyone loves donghae, maybe hyukjae most of all. but hyukjae doesn't notice, lost in the sapphire blue waves of the crowd.

time flash.

they're rehearsing for their next concert and they're dancing along to the beats and singing and suddenly donghae's face is so close to hyukjae's, singing softly into his ear. hyukjae inches away, but eunhyuk stays still and smirks, pushing donghae lightly to the side and takes over the stage. the song is infectious, wonderously good, and it's eunhae's new solo, oppa oppa. their choreography takes them both to the center of the stage where they meet, and their faces for a moment are inches away. hyukjae leans in, but eunhyuk dances away, the same seductive "come and get me" smile on his face.

it's then that hyukjae's subconscious thinks that it's understandable why so many people love donghae, and that maybe being first in donghae's eyes would be preferable to being second place in eunhae.

it's a day later that hyukjae himself thinks that donghae is beautiful, watching him take over the next verse with skilled charisma. beautiful in an alien way. the thing was, hyukjae was straight. there was no questioning it, and he was confident in it. but at the same time, he loved donghae. he didn't want to kiss him or sleep with him or any of that. (or so he tells himself.) hyukjae looks at donghae and sees the things that the crowd misses. the innocence and dreams held behind the surface, the evidence of hours of lost sleep, and hyukjae's heart stutters a bit when he looks at donghae. that night, he dreams in perfect clarity, of an innocent boy he had once known that had dreams of taming the world, and of another boy that had simply known that he would follow his best friend anywhere, for as long as he wanted him there. and again, hyukjae's subconscious whispers things he knew but had never acknowledged. hyukjae was straight and he loved donghae and there was nothing wrong with that because it was natural. there were no contradictions because they just were. but again, hyukjae can't hear the truth, and instead dreams of a pretty wife and plump children and a future that a normal boy his age should want. hyukjae was straight, and he wanted a family with a pretty wife, and that was the truth. hyukjae's subconscious knows that he'd give all of it up in a heartbeat if donghae asked him to.

because subconsciously, hyukjae loves donghae and consciously, hyukjae loves donghae, but there were so many different kinds of love, and just one word to describe them all. if donghae had asked him to kiss him, hyukjae would have without questioning it. hyukjae doesn't know why he would, but he just knows that he would. and subconsciously, he wants to. because donghae is perfect and they were eunhae, and eunhyuk was straight and hyukjae was straight but donghae is different. and for once, he knows that he would love his wife, but never as much, as deeply as he loves donghae.

and just like that, hyukjae realizes that he's so in love with donghae that he'd fallen without even questioning. it feels so fast, but then he looks at donghae and everything slows down. they say that a picture is worth a thousand words, and at that moment, hyukjae watches donghae and says a thousand "i love yous" and still he feels it's not enough.

his subconscious rejoices.

donghae smiles at him, and suddenly his world's perfect and golden and sunny because he'd give anything to keep that smile. hyukjae marvels at how far he's fallen without realizing. and suddenly, it occurs to him that the rest of his life with donghae by his side would be so much better than marrying any girl in the world, because donghae's the sun and hyukjae revolves around him, and donghae's beautiful. as much as it seems so, it's not a sudden epiphany because he's known that he's loved donghae since forever, but never like this. because this was different. this was life hitting hyukjae square in the face and suddenly, the earth could be flat and pigs might have wings and anything's possible because donghae's there and hyukjae's there and donghae's perfect.

it also occurs to hyukjae that donghae's lips are prettier than all the girls he's ever kissed before, and he has the insane urge to find out how they would feel against his own. and for once, he doesn't shove the thought away, but lets it linger there in his mind, teasing him with the unknown.

hyukjae thinks sarcastically that if everytime he thought hard about something he'd get a sudden epiphany, maybe all this time he hasn't been thinking at all.

donghae isn't eunhyuk's first love, but he's hyukjae's, because nobody's ever compared to donghae. hyukjae thinks of the long, silky hair, the slim waists, the curved hips, and they all blow away with the wind, flimsy cardboard cutouts compared to donghae. for a few moments, he thinks that this might be a problem, that he might have a problem, and he acknowldges it but adds that donghae can't be the problem - donghae is never the problem. and for those first few days after he realizes this, life is perfect. donghae lights everything up and it's like he's been underwater his whole life, just now surfacing for the first time and seeing everything clearly, brightly. he's floating on euphoria, and it doesn't make him weak-kneed or light-headed, because this wasn't just love. hyukjae loved donghae and he was in love with donghae and these were two completely different things, but it felt natural. and it didn't matter, because hyukjae forgets everything when donghae flashes him that warm smile again.

something nags at hyukjae, though he barely notices above the warm buzz of donghae by his side. all good things must come to an end, hyukjae recalls. it's funny, he thinks, because the same people said that love conquers all. for a while, he pushes away the feeling that he's forgetting something and just lets donghae's smile wash away everything.

a few days later, hyukjae realizes that one something he'd been missing this whole time.

love isn't always requited.

he finds this out the hard way when donghae finds a girlfriend. she's cute and pretty and when donghae tells hyukjae, hyukjae smiles as brightly as he can, and for every word that donghae tells him, his heart cracks a little bit more, the emotion in donghae's voice coalescing in hyukjae's mind into an endless chorus of "i love her" and "she's perfect" and then it's just a biting singsong harmony of "not you," and hyukjae doesn't know if donghae had actually said that or if it was just in his mind. it's then that the acting classes take over, and inwardly his mind gives up while on the outside, he carries on a teasing conversation with his best friend. she's a waitress at a local cafe, and they'd met when he'd been depressed one day and had went there to be alone. she had comforted him. hyukjae feels a number of emotions rush through his head - jealousy, anger, sadness - because he remembered that day. donghae had been strung so tightly that hyukjae had been waiting for the snap, and when it came, it wasn't what he'd expected. donghae had started to cry. hyukjae had hugged him tightly as if he could've broken at any second, and donghae had just sobbed silently into hyukjae's shoulder for at least an hour. and then, finally, donghae had gently broken out of hyukjae's embrace and thanked him, before asked him for some alone time. hyukjae had nodded, and donghae had smiled at him - that sad, tender smile that was only for hyukjae - and had walked out the door, straight into a girl's arms.

it shocks him to his core, because never had he entertained the possibility that one day, donghae wouldn't need him anymore. but he does now. donghae might not need him anymore, because he has his girlfriend but all hyukjae has is donghae and there were his hyungs from super junior but it's just not the same as donghae. nobody's the same as donghae. so hyukjae smiles and laughs and glues a perpetual smile to his face because hyukjae's not special, but donghae was, and if that girl was donghae's girlfriend then she must be special too. so hyukjae tries not to scream as he watches their love from a lower plane of non-special and longs for something he can't have, and then eunhyuk takes over while hyukjae is inconsolable.

eunhyuk smirks evilly and jokes with donghae about the whole thing, but hyukjae just stares and tries to hold back the lump forming in his throat. eunhyuk pats donghae on the back and congratulates him, but hyukjae's heart is being drawn and quartered and tossed into an incinerator. it's then that hyukjae sees the flipside to love, and then that eunhyuk becomes so much more then just an alias. he becomes a mask. silver - malleable, mysterious. hyukjae cries that night, silent and unassuming in the dark while his subconscious thinks and thinks because it never stops.

in the morning, hyukjae's eyes are puffy and red, and donghae doesn't notice. he's too busy talking about his girl to sungmin and ryeowook, and it's then that muscle memory takes over, trained from years of getting up at ungodly hours of the morning. a quiet part of him thinks that maybe it's better this way, better if donghae grows up and leads a normal life, better if he starts a family and finds a wife that makes him feel the same way he makes hyukjae feel. it's then that hyukjae truly acknowledges how much he's fallen, because he can't feel anymore, can't breathe anymore, and everything loses its colors and sinks back into an underwater monochrome blur of sounds and sights that don't fit together. hyukjae feels that he's a little kid again, buying a jigsaw puzzle and being confused when all the pieces don't fit together the way he wanted them to. half numb, he brushes his teeth and gets dressed and heads out to the small living room. heechul and leeteuk are there, and they both look up when hyukjae shuffles into the room. they take note of his reddening eyes, the slight breaks in his voice, and they glance at each other as if daring the other to speak first. ultimately, neither of them get a chance to say anything before hyukjae slams the door behind him as he leaves the dorm, carrying with him only a coat and a broken heart.

it's a rainy day, and hyukjae's heart is broken, and he stops thinking.


End file.
